This is first because its a big one- the BIGGEST one. I didn't know sleep deprivation until I had children. Night after night of waking up to tend to your adorable spawn is something that will drive ANYone insane. One night of going out and partying or staying up too late then having to get up for work the next day is one thing, doing that every night is another story. My perennial under eye bags are not going anywhere anytime soon. IF you are thinking about having kids just start sleeping right now. Seriously. Put it in the bank.
B) Eat a meal
(with no interruptions)
When you have a child you feel like you will never ever ever eat a normal meal again. Last night our meal consisted of telling Noah that chairs are for SITTING about 13 times, and finally giving up and strapping his adorable butt into the high chair. He wants me to feed him, he wants ME to eat his food, he wants more, he needs a spoon not a fork, he needs water OMG it goes on and on. Also, all of this is done holding my 6 month old daughter on my lap that entire time.
4) Use the bathroom
The first thing Noah says when I say I need to go to potty (yes, I say potty now) is " MY COME TOO!!!!!" and his little legs race past me to the bathroom door and flings it open. "Here mommy! HERE mommy!!!", he says, escorting me into the bathroom and showing me where the toilet is. "SIT HERE" he says. Then he proceeds to take the toilet paper roll to a section of the bathroom where I can't reach him and start to unroll the entire thing. Then I have to waddle over to the TP and salvage what I can in order to wipe and then pull up my pants while he is ransacking my medicine/makeup/toilet brush. Washing hands is another story and I can't get into that right now.
3) Have a house free of toys
You may walk unhindered around your home without fear of tripping over, kicking, or stepping on a sharp object. The WORST is when your kid is napping and you accidentally kick something and it shoots across the room and bangs into the wall, waking your child. WTF.
5) Take a shower
I schedule in my showers now. I have to schedule in my showers now. I really do schedule my showers now. I still don't get enough showers. Showers are a luxury. Blowdrying my hair is unheard of. I have been forced to embrace my natural hair texture.
G) Put a cup of liquid down and not have it spilled. Thats all.
9) Not negotiate with tiny terrorists
Refereeing children not wanting to share is not for the weak of heart. That shizz is serious. My iPhone timer gets a LOT of play these days. Changing a poopy diaper of a writhing 2 year old is not a small feat. It takes a lot of patience ( and physical strength)
E) Just walk out of the house when you are ready to leave.
Today it took me 10 minutes, a puppet show, chasing, (taking a 2 minute break on the couch to catch my breath), pretending not to care, all to get Noah's pants on him. We finally got everyone ready to go out the door, and Zoe pooped. Start over. Getting children out of the house from the time you start to the time it happens should be in the parenting Olympics. I am so so so salivating over the memory of deciding to leave the house and then, just, leaving.
I love you my child-free friends and you 100% deserve your lovely unhindered existence. I adore my children and I would do it alllllll over again a billion times over. If you don't have humor .... you don't have anything. Especially when it comes to parenting.